Bachelor Party Blowout
by Pennies
Summary: Parody romance about Jack Kelly and Penny, Medda's daughter, who fall madly in love and must escape evil towers, drunkard mothers, and ninja warrior wedding china!! It's full of funny and interesting plot twists!
1. Default Chapter

"Mazeltov!" cheered Racetrack as he sprayed champagne over Jack Kelly and the rest of the Newsies' head. 

It was the night before Jack's wedding to Sarah and they were at Medda's whorehouse

for a huge Bachelor party blowout! Every Newsie was there from Harlem to Delancey. As Jack wiped the champagne from his face Les walked up and shyly yet surely gave Jack his red handkerchief. 

 "Uhhh…thanks Les." Jack said sarcastically. 

 "Tee hee. No problem, baby." 

"Uh, Les, I am getting married tomorrow...to your sister."

"So big boy?" Les cooed.

"Um, now is not the time to hit on me."

"What? Who said I was gay? Did I say I was gay?!"

"Umm, are you gay Les........?"

Winking, Les went off to find Mush, who was by the hot wings......and the pigs in the blankets. Jack turned around. This was going to be the best night in his life (besides Les) His one and only Sarah, who he truly loved, was getting married to him the next day. He really loved her, but this was the last free night he would have out with the boys without her blabbering about plates.

 "I'll get the plates. Plates are my life. I LOVE PLATES!" Jack shivered. He'd have to get her into something else. Maybe measuring cups.

He was looking around the room taking in the joyous moment. Newsies were falling from the balcony drunk with joy, the girls were giving free shows and backrubs, Spot was having a fistfight with Kid Blink, and a gorgeous girl was-WHAT? 

 Suddenly Jack saw something that grabbed his attention. Chocolate brown hair and matching mysterious chocolate brown eyes (not the milk chocolate, but the dark chocolate, that sometimes has a hidden raspberry surprise in the middle with the tangy aftertaste. Oh yes, those were good. His favorite. He could eat her up. HA HA HA HA!..................ok, shut up.)  No really, who was this mysterious seductress, with her creamy skin (not from Safeway, but cool whip.) and a scattering of freckles like sprinkles across her nose (not like the ones on a cake, but like those cool jimmies you get on frozen yogurt.) She also had ginormous juicy melons, the ones she was carrying to place on the table (ACK! No! Sickos!) 

Jack couldn't move, he couldn't breath, he couldn't think of anything but "Wow, those are some huge melons."

He waltzed over to the table and caught her hand as she was walking away. Trying to be as smooth as possible, he blurted out, "WAZZZZZZZZZUP?!" 

"……………excuse me?" Her eyes, now hooded and confused (but still chocolate!) looked at him, at what Jack hoped was desire.

"What a dork." the girl thought to herself, yet, his eyes (intensely blue, like the open sea) intrigued her.

"Your eyes are so blue." 

"They're brown.....like chocolate." 

"I'm colorblind, you insensitive bastard!" She paused. "Say, aren't you the groom-to-be?" 

Jack hesitated. What? He was getting married. Since when? WAIT! It was all coming back. SARAH?! NO! Not the plate fiend! He had momentarily forgotten her, and it was the happiest time of his life. He decided not the answer. 

"Erm, what's your name?"

"Penny."

"Ha ha! Two for a Penny!" 

"What." Penny asked, confused and slightly disturbed. 

"Oh, you must be a Newsie." She said then, realizing. 

"Yeah, you bet!." Jack grinned. 

Penny looked him over. Why didn't she see before? The hat, the grin, the fact that this was a Newsie party, yes, he was definitely  a Newsies. And damn hot too! 

"Are you a friend of my mom's?" 

"Your mom? Who's your mo-....." 

"PENNY!" Medda's shrill cry broke their love stare. They both looked up at the balcony. "Go back to your room! You know you're not allowed to be in here while the boys at the house. Go back to your tower!" (because there SO was a tower attached to Medda's in New York.)

"I have to go." Penny murmured sadly. She had grown fondly accustomed to his face. (Damn, damn, damn, damn.) 

"Wait, you can't leave! I-I-I love you!" Jack truthfully blurted out. 

 Penny's hand lashed across his face (in a, he'd like to think, loving way.) 

"What was that for?" Jack cried, clutching his cheek. "I just told you I loved you!" 

"Oh I wish it were so, but you just love my looks! You don't know anything about me!" Penny cried. The slap had hurt her heart more than it had hurt his cheek. 

"Well, I can feel it," He said, pulling her close and staring into her wet chocolate eyes. "And besides, am I right to presume that you don't like plates?" 

Penny's heart stopped. It was true. She felt it. And yes, she hated plates. Demon plates, demon plates… 

"Uh, yes, I mean…..you rouge! You beast!" She said, feebly hitting him in his rock hard chest. 

"You love monster. Let me go! This isn't right!" 

"Shut up and kiss me." Jack commanded. 

Penny ceased her pathetic attempts at "getting away" and leaned in slowly.

"Why are you going so slow?" Jack asked. 

But it didn't matter, because as he kissed her tender, rose bud lips, an electric surge rushed through them both. They were one. Well, not really. They were two. But in fan fic terms, they were one. 

"You bitch!" Les screamed, coming up from behind. He grabbed Jack and beat his chest. 

"Beast! Beast! Beast! Rouge! Love demon!" Les hurled himself into a tantrum. 

"Uh, Les, those have been used." He said, grabbing Les' tiny fists and pushing him away. 

"Uh, who's your little friend?" Penny questioned, a little unnerved.  

"Er, don't let him ruin the moment." Jack pleaded. 

"I LOVE YOU!" 

"SHUT UP LES! David, get your brother away from here!" 

"You'll always come back to me, Jack! I'll never let go, Jack! I'll never let go."  Fortunately, Les had to, as David was pulling on his legs. 

"PENNY! This is the last time! Get in your tower now!" Medda screeched. 

"I can't stay." Penny said. 

"Then run away with me! You can become a Newsie!" Jack implored, taking her hands in his own. 

"Oh, I wish I could, but my mother wants me to become a hoe like her! Also, you're getting married tomorrow!" 

"To a plate obsessed freak!" Jack hollered.  

Some of the Newsies turned their heads. Jack lowered his voice. 

"Besides, true love will find a way." Penny melted in his arms. She wanted to go with him, but she couldn't. 

"Here." Penny whispered, taking a feather boa from her ivory shoulders. "Take my purple boa to remember me by!" 

"Um....it's hot pink"

"Ok, you know what.... eye surgery hasn't been invented yet. Besides, my love, it's the thought that counts"

"Well in that case, No, not your boa, which accents your figure so nicely!" 

 But Jack took it anyways. He couldn't stop himself. 

"What do you know about my boa? I have many more! There's nothing special about this one." 

She kissed him softly and turned to go. pJack's heart now belonged to her, as hers did him. 

He stood there, in the midst of the party, watching her quietly disappear into the crowd of drunken men and prostitutes.


	2. Bachelor Party Blowout: part 2

Penny looked out of the window of her tower and sighed dreamily. 

 "Sigh."

She couldn't shake Jack's piercing blue-I mean- brown eyes from her mind. How ironic that she found her one true love at his own bachelor party. But her thoughts were interrupted by the iron door slamming behind her.

 "Oh, I didn't hear you come in, Mother."

Medda, drunk as usual, strutted towards Penny and stopped at the foot of her bed, surveying her with a hawk-like stare. 

 "So, you met the boys, chil'?" 

"Um, yeah." Penny looked back out the window, trying to ignore her mother. 

 "What was so important to you that you had to stay when I asked you to leave?"

 "Well, I met this one-" 

Medda looked up startled. "How many times do I have to tell you, chil'? Never fall in love! It's never good for business!" Medda sat down on the bed and pulled out her Camels. (P.S: Smoking Causes Emphysema.)

 "No, this one is different! He loves me!" Penny defiantly responded.

 "They only want one thing from you child, and they need to pay for it here, so buck up and learn the ways hoe-dom!" 

 "What? That's not even a word! You're drunk!" 

 "No."

"…..yes!" 

 "Make me!" 

 Penny sighed. Her mother was impossible. "I refuse to follow in you footsteps!" 

"Listen chil', I brought you into this world by accident! I fell in love, and I learned the hard way that love is a dud!" 

"That doesn't rhyme." Penny meekly stated. 

"Who said it did? Gurl, listen up. It's my way or the highway" 

"The high-what?" 

 "What I mean is, you will become a hoe, whether you like it or not, and that's final!" She emphasized this statement by throwing her cigarette on the floor and putting it out with her pink pumps with pom-poms.  (She never had good taste in shoes.)

 "No, mother no! You don't understand love! Jack and I are running away as soon as we can-oh!" She stopped abruptly, slapping her hand across her mouth, but the damage had been done. Medda rose from the bed." 

"Oh...no...you... **_didn't!!! _** GURL….." 

"Didn't what? I meant, umm, running…….per say! Like, umm, symbolically?" 

Medda was drunk, but not stupid enough to realize her daughter was pathetically trying to cover up a dangerous slip of the tongue. But, to Penny's surprise, Medda calmly rose and started walking out of the door. Penny let out a relieved sigh……again……….and threw herself on the bed. 

CLUNK! She heard the noise suddenly as her foot dropped to the floor. Looking down saw a metal spiked mace (very dangerous looking and could probably poke a few eyes out or damage something important!) trailing from her foot. Her mother, laughing devilishly, swallowed the key (Uh, YEAH she did!) and walked triumphantly out the door, leaving the defeated Penny breathless in disbelief.  

Suddenly she let out a cry. All hope was lost. There was no way to escape the newly christened......Tower of **_HELL AND BAD STUFF_****_!!!_** (BWA HA HA HA HA HA!) 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

_Meanwhile, back at the Lodging House_……..

Jack lay on his back, staring at the stars. The feather boa was entwined between his fingers and the smell of Penny's perfumed lingered around his nostrils. Les sat next to Jack painting his toe nails (Passion Pink) and watching Jack with jealous eyes. David and Mush sat talking and laughing, but David soon noticed that Jack was not joining in on the laughter. 

"Hey Jack!" David called, "That was some party, wasn't it?" 

"Penny? What?" Jack replied dreamily. 

David's eyes narrowed as he rose from his chair. "Party. Not Penny. Party. They don't even sound alike." 

He shoved Les out of the way as he sat down next to Jack on his bed. Les frowned and crossed the room to mope in the corner near where Kid Blink was taking a shower. "Something bothering you, Jack?" David asked. 

"No, well, I just can't marry your sister." 

"Oh well, that's ok-WHAT? Why not?" 

Jack sat up, avoiding David's eyes. "I think I may be in love and not with your sister." "With who?" 

Jack paused for dramatic effect. "With Medda's daughter, Penny." 

There was a long silence, which was broken by Specs coming around from David's side, "You're in love with a hoe?" 

"No, no. She not a hoe………yet." 

"What do you mean?" By now, most of the Newsies had gathered around, except for Les, who was busy doing something with Kid Blink's loofa.  

"It doesn't matter." Jack responded uncomfortably. "All that matters is that I love her, and that I need to find a way to be with her." Jack sniffed, tears springing to his eyes. All the Newsies looked away uneasily. 

"Jack, we love ya and all, but please don't cry on us." Crutchy pleaded, raising nods of agreement from the rest of the group. 

The group dispersed and Jack was left alone with David and Les, who had come back with the loofa, which looked suspiciously smaller. 

"So, what do we do now?" David asked. 

"I've got to think of a way to get her without her mother knowing." 

"I still can't believe you don't want to marry my sister. I mean, beside from plates, you're the only thing she's got. I was looking forward to a break from her and her plates. You know, she's even named them." David shivered. 

"All the more reason I need to get away from here with Penny! But how do we-"

 All of a sudden, an angelic cry sailed in through the window, catching Jack's attention. "**Hark!** What is that angelic cry?"

 "Hu? Cry? What sound, pookie?" Les dabbed Kind Blink's loofa into the some water and started to mop Jack's forehead lovingly. "You coming down with something? Because Doctor Les here-" 

 "Shut up, Les." Snarled Jack, trying hard to concentrate on the sound.

"_Oooo_, paging Dr. Love!" 

"Les, shut up! I hear it again! And put that sponge away. God knows where it's been!" "Tee hee!" Les tempted,

"Wouldn't you like to know?" 

"No, actually. I'd pay not to. Just be quiet so I can hear this love cry." Jack closed his eyes, trying to ignore the giggling and David and Les' argument about the confiscation of his loofa. He heard it again. Concentrating even harder this time, Jack tried desperately to analyze the source of the sound. Suddenly, his heart leapt in the realization that the cry belonged to none other than his true love, Penny! He jumped up excited. "I must go to her!" 

 "But how?" David questioned, who had obviously won the argument and the loofa, judging by Les moping once again near the showers. 

"I'll-I'll RUN!" Jack started towards the door, but Les cut him off. 

"Don't leave so soon, you animal you!" Les coaxed, lassoing Jack with the feather boa. "For the last time, Les -WOAH!" Jack cut himself short as his feet lifted off the ground. "I'm-I'm-I'm _flying_!" Jack gasped. He laughed as he soared above their heads, the **_magical_** father boa carrying him to the ceiling. 

"Tee hee! I see London, I see France…….." 

Jack looked down, only to observe Les looking up his pants. 

"Get out from under there, you perv!" David scolded, pulling his little brother away from his best friend. But Jack was too happy to care. He had a plan, and he wasn't going to let a small, gay, 8 year old kid spoil it for him. True love was finally in his grasp! He flew out the window with the cheers and hoots of the Newsies behind him. 

"Come back!" wailed Les, but his cry was in vain for Jack was already making his way to the Tower………...of HELL AND BAD STUFF!!! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 _Back at the __Tower__ of __HABS_……..

Penny lay sobbing uncontrollably on her bed. 

"Oh woe! Woe is me!" she wept helplessly. "Now I'll never be a Newsie or find true love or be with-JACK!" Her tears of sadness turned to tears of utter joy as Jack flew spread eagled into the tower room and alighted on her bed post. "I knew you'd come for me! But, but how?" 

"With love! You see, the pink feather boa you gave me was magical! It makes people fly and so I immediately flew here to save you! ISN'T IT GREAT!" beamed Jack. 

Penny looked confused "……Are you on something?" 

"_Love_." Jack purred seductively.

Penny, although a little creeped out, didn't let it bother her because they had a bigger problem to deal with. "Well, we have bigger problem to deal with. I'm shackled to my bed post! My mother tied me up, the old witch!" 

"Damn it! Well, I doubt your feather boa can cut metal. I knew it was too good to be true!" 

"What are we going to do?"  whimpered Penny. 

Suddenly, a man cutting his evening potato below accidentally slipped on cow dung (because there are SO cows roaming the streets of New York, especially under towers...OF HELL AND BAD STUFF!!) and his knife flew up and through the tower window….. conveniently right into the key hole of Penny's spiked foot mace, unlocking it. 

"Love has triumphed again!" Jack bellowed.

He pulled Penny to her feet and into his muscular arms. He smoothed back the tangled hair from her face and drew her luscious lips to his own. The room swirled around them, and for a moment, there was no once else in the world but them and there was peace on earth for all mankind, animals could talk and gas was cheap again. 

As the kiss came to an end, Penny opened her eyes and gazed into Jack's deep brown eyes. _Wait,** brown?**_ She looked at the father boa around Jack's neck. It **was** hot pink! 

"I can SEE! Colors that is! Love has cured me!" Penny joyfully declared.

 "What's all that racket?!" Medda shrieked from downstairs. "I'm coming up!" 

"Quick Jack!" Penny warned, "we must get out of here now!" 

"Come under my arm." Jack commanded.

As she gladly nestled into his arm, Jack rose above the concrete tower floor. 

Penny gawked in disbelief. "OH MY GOD!!  **_I'm-I'm-I'm flying Jack!!!_**"****…………………………………………………………..............

......………………………………………………………………

…………………………………………………………………..

…………………………………AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH………..…..GET IT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! OH GOD!.........WE……...ARE …………. **GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**......Anywho……….

 They made their way towards the window and freedom. But suddenly Medda crashed through the door and leaped up to grab her daughters foot. 

"HELP JACK HELP!!" Penny desperately howled

Jack kicked Medda in the face. "Let-go-bitch!!"

 "**NEVER!!!!**" 

 At that moment, Crutchy raced through the door and started beating Medda viciously with his crutch.  With the blessed distraction Penny managed to break free of Medda's clutches and the two lovers soared out the Tower window and off into the crimson sunset. 


End file.
